I have no family and most of my friends have families that rightfully occupy their undivided attention during the holidays. Thusly, over the years, I have spent many a holiday alone. I use to bury myself in distractions (booze, drugs, other lonely people) to pass the time, to speed up the time until the darn holiday was over. ‘Woe is me’ was my boo hoo mantra.
But, in time, I realized that this was silliness, a waste of positive energy the started well before the holidays and took a toll long after in my numb psyche and depleted health. The fundamental transformation (shit I have come to hate that phrase) came one Easter weekend as I sat on a downtown park bench. For whatever reasons, (providence, divine intervention, luck) I sat down next to an older woman. She was staring off at the budding trees and remarked how beautiful life was with winter passing and a new beginning coming. Over the next half hour, the woman spoke in the most soothing way that massaged my mind, my heart, yes my soul. She was not speaking to my life, as far as I knew, but yet she was. She explained her losses in life (husband, sisters, parents, a son), her loneliness, her decision to love herself and take care of herself because no one else was or was near enough to do it.
There, that part, resonated. Love myself, take care of myself, because no one else was going to. No resentments. No jealousies or envy. Wasted energy she said. Bad for the soul she said. She stood up and said her goodbyes to me. She walked off looking every bit like a Russian grandmother in stature and garb.
I can see her now. She was an angel. She touched me deeply then and still now. Love thyself. No matter what my prior sins or faults or huge mistakes. Love thyself humbly and gently and forgive thyself. Now I am alone, but I have no animosity toward those that have kin and can celebrate. I am not where I am because of them.
Now I am free to just be and my the release of bad karma is extraordinary. My health is better. My mind and heart are better. Peace to all and Happy Thanksgiving.